I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy. My neighbour has a circular driveway... He can't get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released I shall confine myself to work in pure theory; where I trust the situation w

Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for chicken, Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for a feast, Eat a ninety-piece bucket then you can tell, He's been to Cluckin' Bell! Chicken is a bird with a tiny brain, So we assume he doesn't feel any pain. We shrink their heads and we breed 'em fast; Six wings, forty breasts and then they're gassed. Cock-a-doodle-doo we're psychotic crazies, Cock-a-doodle-doo factory farming's insane. We denied it all before our stock price fell, Come down to Cluckin' Bell!

You're probably a redneck if.................... During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.

Yo momma's so old, she doesn't need a history book.

Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot. "Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?" Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction. "Actually, it's Mark."

How do you make the number 1 disappear? Add a "g" to it and it's "gone"

A preacher, who shall we say, was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit, and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Su

You might be a redneck if you carry more than two extra tires in the back of your truck.

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Billy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Billy: "No hair, Sir."

Two guys are sitting in a bar. The one says to the other, "Are you going to the Johnsons' tonight?" The other says, "Dunno, I don't feel like it, but my wife wants to." "Yeah, me too, I don't feel like it, but my wife insists." Both of them sigh deeply, look at each other and say: "All right then. See you at the Johnsons'!"

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.