1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I want to ask where the bathroom is? 2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the whole room for the TV remote, just because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 4. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that!?" No stupidnose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there! What did you come

This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store: "I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again." And a different one: "I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!"

Yo Momma is so fat that when she put on a yellow jacket kids tried to get on it to go to school because they thought it was a bus.

Here are some excuses for if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to but... I have to floss my cat. I'd love to but... I've dedicated my life to linguini. I'd love to but... I want to spend more time with my blender. I'd love to but... The President said he might drop in. I'd love to but... The man on television told me to stay tuned. I'd love to but... I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. I'd love to but... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. I'd love to but... It's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to but... It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. I'd love to but... I'm building a pig from a kit. I'd love to

These are all from my experiences. That's why they're funny. 1. You build a miniature boat out of a hostess box, water bottles, and duct tape, and float it down a river seven times. 2. You buy a headlamp, move it in circles on the wall, and say it follows wherever my head goes. 3. You make a hand with some sticks, a plastic soda bottle lid, some bugs, and a magnifying glass. 4. You pop each and every bubble on bubble wrap... in random order. 5. You line up thirteen megaphones just to see what it would do.

I did not kill my lovely wife, I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head, I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night, I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash, My hand was cut from broken glass, I cut my hand on broken glass, A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride; Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife, I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime, I could not, would not any time. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop th

A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No, thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said, "but it has my husband pretty upset."

My karma ran over your dogma. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work. Hey idiot, hang up! You are driving a car, not a phone booth. Take your time, but hurry. Speed kills, drive slow, get a Honda. 0 to 60... in 15 minutes. If you don't like my driving, stay off the footpath. Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive? Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal. As a matter of fact, I DO own the road. Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!! Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept. Caution: Driver Sleeping. Don't Think and Drive. Caution I swerve and hit people at random. So many pe

Why do Chickens have no breast? Cause the Rooster has no hands!

What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A love call.

Why am I stronger than Tarzan? Because I can beat on my chest without screaming.

Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?