A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''

All of the following town names are REAL: Long Dong (Guangxi, China) Blowhard (Australia) Pickles Gap (Arkansas) Petting (Germany) Mount Mee (Australia) Titting (Germany) Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA) Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA) Fugit (Kentucky, USA) Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA) Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England) Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland) Sally's Gap (Ireland) Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA) Beaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA) Black Butte (Oregon, USA) Sandy Balls (England) Tilicum (Washington, USA) Cockburn (Australia) Bangor (Wales) Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA) Ballville (Ohio, USA) Prickwillow (England) Black Charlie's Opening (England) Kinmount (Ontario, Canada)

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi pee

Legendary football announcer Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a college football game when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for, and was told that it was the "hotline to God." Keith asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $10." Keith scratched his head and thought, "What the heck, I need a break picking games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $10. Keith was perfect that week with his football picks. The next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A . Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan! But don't worry; the remaining d

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Once, there were three male dogs that set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence." Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese." "No imagination at all," said the poodle. Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese." "That's worse than the Lab," she replied. Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot be

Computer is very common nowadays and most of the people only know what are the computer short cut keys and buttons. This little list would help you when you are in times of need so that you won't go around saying the wrong things: When you need help: Dont's: Help!!! SOS!!! Do's: F1 When you want to leave: Dont's: cya! bye bye! Do's: Alt + F4 When you are paying for something: Dont's: Hand over your 100 dollar bill Do's: Hand over your pay-pal account and password When you are asking for an address Dont's: Can you give me the address please Do's: Can you give me the url please When you want to find something: Dont's: help me find something Do's: Ctrl + F When you are finding the washro

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that, and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's wh

What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree? Babe Root!