Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers".

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for s

Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!

An elevator operator complained that he was getting tired of people asking him for the time. A friend suggested that he hang a clock in his elevator. A few weeks later, the friend inquired as to how things were going. "Just awful!" declared the elevator operator. "NOW, all day long, people ask me, "Is the clock right?" exclaimed the elevator operator.

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Willy: Me

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" 3. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 4. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. 5. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddl

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno

I heard you got a baby. Dad: Yes, and I am very happy. So what about the wife? Dad: She still doesn't know.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day." HUSBAND : " I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!"

From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children: There is no such thing as childproofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. You should not thro

19 Ways To Annoy/Confuse Santa Claus ---------------------------------------------------------- 1.) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2.) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3.) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4.) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5.) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees