Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a really pretty monkey.

Q: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow? A: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. 'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

This couple, my mom is friends with at work, just had a baby. The wife, Emily, told Dave, her husband, there needed to be some cutbacks on beer to save money for diapers and such. Dave was very disapointed, as could be imagined, but realized it was for the good of their child. One afternoon Emily walks through the door, with bags of makeup and pretty clothes. Dave politely asked Emily why she was spending money on cosmetics, and he was restricted from beer. She responded causually, "This is for you honey. It makes me pretty." Naturally, Dave responded, "That's what the beer was for." Since then, he has been kicked out of the house, and lives in our basement.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man with face in toilet is shit faced. Man who fools around with neighbour's wife at wrong time of month get caught red handed. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Yo momma is so cheap, she went to McDonalds and put a hamburger on lay-away.

Yo momma is so poor, she has never seen 50 cent--and ! ain't talkin about the rapper!

"I say! Look here!" said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. "You nearly shot my wife!" "I'm terribly sorry," replied the offender, "shall I try again?"

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. 'So, how did you do, son?' he asked. 'You'll never believe it!' Billy said. 'I was responsible for the winning run!' 'Really? How'd you do that?' 'I dropped the ball.'

A man walks into a men's outfitters and grumpily asks to see the cheapest suit in the shop. The horrified snooty sales assistant immediately fetched a full length mirror and placed it in front of him.

Report of a duel between Alexander Shott and John Nott, in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case, it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot, but Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon. Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read. Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind. Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl. Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo mama so stupid that she tr