"This storm is bad," Bob thundered.

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900, so $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in a room mice jump on chairs!

How does a sperm bank treat its donors? On a first come, first serve basis.

A poor man walks into a bar. Another man sat down 2 feet away from him, and pulled out a wad of $50s from his wallet. The poor man got an idea. He tells the rich man, "I have a special talent. I bet you all the money in your wallet I can sing a song with any woman's name in it." The rich man laughed. "Alright. How about my wife's name, Joanne Skyler Thomas?" What does the poor man sing? -_-_-_-_-_-_-_- Answer: "Happy Birthday" It's a real song, and can have anyone's name in it. The poor man walks away rich. The rich man walks away poor.

Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Touring Ireland's countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emerald-green grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, "Three down and four across."

An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - "Crisco? Crisco? C-R-I-S-C-O!" Finally, a clerk approached him and said, "Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven." "Oh," the old guy said, "I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife." "Your wife's name is Crisco?" the puzzled clerk asked. "Hell, no," the old guy said. "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket." "Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket?" asked the clerk. "Lard Ass!" replied the old guy.

"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown

How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends?