Popular Jokes
Who was the most complaining woman in the bible?
Mary, because she got on Joseph's ass and rode it all the way to Bethlehem.
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
Make sure the lawyer YOU hire does not do any of these things:
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you cocaine.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,
they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins clos
Tommy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, "Helen, I have one last request." "Of course, Tommy, what is it?" Helen asked softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Louis." "But I thought you hated Louis," said Helen.
With his final breath, Tommy said, "I do."
If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world.
Maria went to the telephone booth to make her second insult call. She payed the telephone booth owner. Then she dialed: ABC-DEF-GHI. "Hello! May I take your order, please?" the Figaro delivery service said. "I want to order all the kinds of sushi you have, and please don't forget the chopsticks." Maria replied. "Looks like we have another insult call."
Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu
1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs.
2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone.
3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard.
4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing.
5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day.
6. You develop a liking for truffles.
7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean.
8. You emit short snorts between sentences.
9. When friends visit you, they remark, "Man, this place is a pigsty!"
10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon.
Two Berlin children spoke to each other over the wall. The little girl in the West says, while eating a banana, "Look - I have a banana."
The boy in the East doesn't want to be inferior to her in anything and says, full of pride: "We have socialism." The girl counters: "So, we'll have socialism soon too."
The boy, triumphant: "See, then you won't have any bananas any more either!"
If you'd like to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours, go to this page:
http://www.wocka.com/joke.php?id=17559
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