10.) "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at twenty dollars." 9.) "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags." 8.) "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase." 7.) "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!" 6.) "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking

One employee asked another, "How long have you been working here?" The second said, "Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!"

Yo momma is so dumb I told her to do an essay and she went and fucked a mexican...

One afternoon, Tommy is driving down a highway to spend some time at a lake and relax. On his way to the lake, he spots a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway, gesturing for him to stop. He rolls down his window and asks, "How can I help you?" "I'm the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?" the guy in red says. Smiling, Tommy hands the guy a sandwich and drives away. A few short minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed completely in yellow, and he's standing on the side, motioning for him to stop. Slightly annoyed, he stops, rolls down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?" "I'm the yellow jerk of the highway.

jkfsh

Two guys are sitting in a bar. The one says to the other, "Are you going to the Johnsons' tonight?" The other says, "Dunno, I don't feel like it, but my wife wants to." "Yeah, me too, I don't feel like it, but my wife insists." Both of them sigh deeply, look at each other and say: "All right then. See you at the Johnsons'!"

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

Why do the Arkansas cheerleaders wear bibs? To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, "Guess what we learned today, mommy? How to make babies." Her mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. "How interesting dear," her mother said. "How do you make babies?" "It's really simple," replied the little girl. "All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

The social studies teacher had just completed a lesson on war and peace. "How many of you," the teacher asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, every student in the class raised their hand. "Who would like to give us their reason for being opposed to war?" asked the teacher. Little Johnny, sitting at the back of the class, immediately raised his hand. "Johnny, what is your reason?" the teacher asked. "I hate wars," explained Johnny, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"