Kevin attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Kevin asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Looking worried, Kevin said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"

University scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that reveals the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. It turns out that the "hops" in beer contain certain phyto-estrogens, and scientists believe that be drinking enough beer, men may turn into women. In the study, 100 male volunteers were asked to drink 8 pints of beer in one hour. The results were observed and recorded. At the end of one hour, every single subject had developed female characteristics and the test was terminated. The data is provided below: After one hour, 100% of the test subjects: 1. gained weight. 2. talked excessively without making sense. 3.

Never have lunch with a chess player - I did once; there was a checkered tablecloth, and it took him half an hour to pass me the salt.

There was a farmer who grew watermelons, and every week he would check on his crop, and would find that the local kids had got into his field and eaten as many watermelons as they could. This went on for some time, and eventually the man got fed up replacing the missing watermelons. After some thought, he came up with an idea. He made a sign and placed it in the field; the sign read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide!" He feels pleased with himself, thinking that will stop the theft of his crop. A couple of days later, he returns, and the watermelons are all there; but in the distance, he sees another sign. He walks over to the sign, and reads, "No

How many old geezers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Back in my day, we didn't have lightbulbs. We put candles in tin cans and hung them from the ceiling with thread. And we had to walk uphill both ways to school in a blizzard with nothing but a potato to keep us warm. And... zzzzzz......

My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

Yo Momma's life is such a failure, when I gave her a dollar she said her life was complete.

You know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister.

Yo momma's so fat, she fell off a donkey.

I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back. The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman. The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"