Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained. "Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.

Yo mama is so hairy... ...you almost died of rugburn at birth! ...she looks like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. ...bigfoot is taking her picture! ...she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to the beach she's the only one that gets a tan!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish. As they're driving home, they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The girlfriend says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didnt catch any more!"

When I fly, I go Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one-way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. The other day, when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a c

A parachute used once, but has never been open!

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Give and you might receive; take and be sure. I can't remember the last time I forgot something. I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I. In an atomic attack, all men will be cremated equal. It's bad luck to be superstitious. I've been meaning to start procrastinating for some time now. Logic – the art of being wrong, with confidence. Old age isn't so bad, when you consider the alternative. Shin – a device for finding furniture in the dark. "Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes." No matter where you go, there y

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'. So they stood there arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. They asked the gentleman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'?" The gentleman said, "Havaii." So they looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you." The gentleman replied, "You're velcome!"

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed. The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? A: I don't know, I've never seen either. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: (1)No mind (2)No business

All of his life Stosh had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Stosh's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Stan took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Stosh stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Stan just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Stosh went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Stosh's eyes and sai