A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brothe

You think "Going the extra mile" means using toothpaste. You take a bar of soap to your local pool. Your dentures have fillings. Your idea of conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night. Your wife has ever burnt out an electric razor. Your medical plan is not to get sick.

Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common? A - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view.

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a triple shot of Jack!". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar, and says, "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says, "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

Paddy:- "Hello, is that 77 77 77? Can you call 911, my finger is stuck in the 7"

Yo momma so fat and stupid, when she stepped on the scale she went running to me saying "Look! Look! The scale talks!" I dropped my purse onto it to test this theory and it said, "hI" in the area where the numbers usually show up. Yo momma said, "See!? When I stepped on it, it said, 'hELLO!'" I told her, "The scale's upside-down."

Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher!

Never have lunch with a chess player - I did once; there was a checkered tablecloth, and it took him half an hour to pass me the salt.

A family was eating out at a restaurant. The waiter who had been standing by them said in quite an upset manner "Well I guess I'm gonna go home, make myself a cold tuna sandwich, watch the news, and then cry myself to sleep again." The mother of the family looks at him in pity and says " would you like to join us?" The waiter shouts back, "Did you not just hear me?! I have an evening planned!"

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried WIFE?" he replied.

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk. What do you call a bright, sunny day that comes after two cold, cloudy days? Monday. A snake slithers into a bar. The barman says, "I can't serve you, you obviously can't hold your drink." Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside. Two parrots on a perch. One says, "Do you smell fish?" An eel slithers into a bar. The barman says, "I can't serve you, you're legless."

Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained. "Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.