An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know now!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and he explains: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't

One day a boy walked in the classroom. The teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The next boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The last boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. Then a girl walked in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you're late beacause you were on top of Blueberry Hill". Then the girl said, "I am Blueberry Hill".

Q.) What do you ask a kid wearing a muscle shirt but has no muscles? A.) Did you leave your muscles in your other muscle shirt?

1) A clear concience is a sign of a bad memory. 2) For every action,there is an equal and opposite critisism. 3) He who hesitates is probably right. 4) Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5) I went to find some camouflage clothing,but I couldn't find it. 6) My wife went to a self help group for compulsive talkers,it's called On & On Anon. 7) I'm reading a terrific book about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down. 8) I allways wanted to be somebody,I guess I should have been more specific... 9) If you are what you eat,I'm dead meat. 10) Middle age is having two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home e

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna you for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambina. Am I right?" "Yes grandpa, I guess so." "Ok, so soma day you gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with anotha man. Whada you gonna do? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!?"

Wat is die toppunt van geraas? 2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!

Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every time he hit a bump He had another brother!

Good: You & Your wife decide not to have kids. Bad: Your wife can't find the birth control pills Ugly: You daughter borrowed them.

Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. -Unknown (boardofwisdom.com)

An ejector seat on a helicopter. A fly screen on a submarine. An ashtray for a motorcycle. A lead balloon. A bikini for Eskimos. Sugar-cube fishing bait. A glass baseball bat..

It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

* This is a good reminder, for all of us. You can never read this too many times!! 1. Tip from police: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough, USE IT! 2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! 3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. 4. Women have a tendency to get into thei