The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded. "No!" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO!" she said even more upset. "Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that - get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out; if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.) #2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving. #2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.) #2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See

Friendships between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendships between men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Guy: I'm having a problem with it. Girl: That's not surprising, it's very hard when you first learn. Guy: It's not working. I can't get it up. Girl: You just have to relax. It'll happen. You just have to work at it. Guy: Alright, I'm supposed to do what with my tongue again?? Girl: Your tongue is the key, you have to use it like a tool. You have to know where to put your tongue where it's needed. Feel for problem areas. Guy: pbpbpbpb. man. this sucks. Girl: Try again. just go slower. Guy: Its too hard! Girl: Soften it up. Guy: Show me again? Girl: *shows him* Guy: Alright, let me try now. Girl: Your first time is an experience you'll always remember. I know you can do it!

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.'' The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the oth

Q:After a runner reached the end of a long, gruelling marathon, officials were amazed to see him continue to run. Why did he do this? A:The man was let out of prison for the day to enter the marathon. He kept on running to avoid prison.

Ed and Ted went to the fair, where they came across a small crowd gathered around a stall. They decided to go over and take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked a person in the crowd. "We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said, nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can." "I can do that," Ed said confidently. "You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing." "Watch this," said Ed and he climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. They didn't even come close. Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota. Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one; one bad-ass, that is. TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion. After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history. Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards. "Let the Bodie

There once was a man from Perdition Who knew his way around a kitchen His wife was good lookin' The kids loved his cookin' But his mother-in-law kept on bitchin'

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied!!

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brothe

You think "Going the extra mile" means using toothpaste. You take a bar of soap to your local pool. Your dentures have fillings. Your idea of conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night. Your wife has ever burnt out an electric razor. Your medical plan is not to get sick.