What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing? Skip

Why are all the numbers scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9!

A schoolteacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly. She then asked her students what this proved. One student raised his hand and said, "If you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms."

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: No need for them to worry about blowing their brains out.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna you for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambina. Am I right?" "Yes grandpa, I guess so." "Ok, so soma day you gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with anotha man. Whada you gonna do? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!?"

Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every time he hit a bump He had another brother!

Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!"

Yo momma is so fat she needs to lose weight.

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time. - Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn! - I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. - I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot. - I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne. - I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. - I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new

What do you call a woman with one black eye? A fast learner.

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!" The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded. "No!" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO!" she said even more upset. "Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.