What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common? They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.'' The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime!

Yo momma so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are quite excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "Many kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacies: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: Hesitates slightly but answers, "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmaci

One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the bachelor. "But I couldn't do anything with it." "Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked his friend. "You said it." The first guy replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'"

Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed, that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do, and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman. Einstein says, "This is no problem at all, and there is no need to make such a great fuss." So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter, and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And h