Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet! Dad: That took you 5 yaars! Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!

Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

I bought a book called "How to Hug," and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays.

There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, "We're making you Chief Area Salesman," and I swerved. Ten minutes later, he called again, "You're now Deputy Area Manager," and I swerved again. Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, "You're now Vice Chairman," and I swerved right off the road into a ditch. When the police asked what had happened, I said, "I just careered off the road."

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. - If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. - If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. - If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. - If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. - If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. - If the room has a sweaty

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: What do you call a redneck family reunion? A: An orgy!

1. And now, the taste test. 2. Are we supposed to heat that? 3. And now a little bit from this... 4. ... and please keep that test tube alone! 5. And now shake it a bit. 6. Why is there no label on this bottle? 7. In which glass was my mineral water? 8. The bunsen burner *is* out! 9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!? 10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn... 11. Oh, now I have spilt something... 12. First the acid, then the water... 13. And now the detonating gas problem. 14. This is a completely safe experimental setup. 15. Where did I put my gloves? 16. Oh no, wrong beaker... 17. The fire alarm is just being tested. 18. Now you

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman

A girl was calling her boyfriend because he wasn't online and she wanted him to be. "Hello?" he said, groggily. "I want you to get up and get your ass online." she said. "How?" "I don't know. Get a scanner if you need to. Just get your ass online!"

A boy was trying to impress his mum on his new bike. He was going down the path and said to his mum, "Look, mum, no feet!" He then put his feet back on the bike and removed his hands from the handlebars. He then shouted, "Look, mum, no hands!" He then lost control of the bike and collided with a tree. His mum ran up to his side, whereas her son said, "Look, mum, no teeth."

One night a blond teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and a pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"