If men and women had buttons, a man's button panel would look like... A vacuum - "On" and "Off" switch A woman's panel would look like... An airplane. So many buttons...ahhh...where's the mute?!!!

Chances of a Man Winning an Argument: Dating: 50% Engagement: 25% Marriage Period: 0%, very rare

Why didn't the blonde go on the amusement park ride? Because he was too tall.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary. Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag. There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, p

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle.

Did you hear about the blonde who ran for president? She got tired after 2 miles and dropped out of the running.

AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto HY

Yo momma is so poor, she reuses her toilet paper.

Yo momma is so fat, she fell over trying to rock herself to sleep and couldn't get back up.

This issue has been on my mind a lot lately. The lives of the innocent destroyed for the belief that they are mistakes. Many say that they're inadequate and that they deserve to be sent away. I'm sure they have feelings, too, though! Sometimes I can't eat or sleep because I think about them so much. It's such an injustice! They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Given no notice, they are swept right out of this world with such speed and are never heard from ever again. So many questions cloud my thoughts. How do they feel? Are they frightened or angry? Are they cold, lost and hungry? But the one question that I cannot find the answer to is: What happens to those poor letter

Two cows eating grass, On a warm, sunny hillock. By this time tomorrow, That grass will be millock.

Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet! Dad: That took you 5 yaars! Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!