1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Contractors outnum

There was once a very depressed man that went to see the psychiatrist. He was advised to go on a holiday to unwind and relax his mental and emotional burdens. Upon his return from the holiday, the man's assistant went to the airport to welcome him back. Man: "How's everything here?" Assistant: "Well, nothing much, but your dog died." Man: "How did he die?" Assistant: "Well, because he ate burned horse meat." Man: "Where did the meat come from?" Assistant: Well..your ranch caught fire and burned down." Man: "What? How did that happen?" Assistant: "It was the sparks from your house that started the fire on the ranch." Man: "What? A fire broke out in my house?" Assistant: "Yes, the

Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

CO-PILOT: Commander! We are being attacked! COMMANDER: Report your height and status! CO-PILLOT: I'm 5'11 and sittin' in the cockpit.

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me

Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run!

Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush.

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He knew how to swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any alligators around here?" The beachcomber shouted back, "Nah! We ain't seen gators in these parts for years." Feeling safe, the tourist began swimming leisurely towards the shore. About halfway there, he shouted, "Hey, how'd you get rid of the alligators?" The beachcomber said, "We didn't do anything. The sharks got 'em."

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body. One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses. Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingenious. "No," the third student said. "You're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

These are actual bumper stickers that were found on people's cars: The proctologist called; they found your head. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off. Guys; just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me," Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small, it'll get lost. Welcome to America! Now, learn to speak English.

CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark - "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy. . ." "Thanks for being a part o