Popular Jokes
A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home toni
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you a
For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there's good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences.
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Beatles - "I Get by with a Little Help from Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 year
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying:
"Oh M
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Contractors outnum
There was once a very depressed man that went to see the psychiatrist. He was advised to go on a holiday to unwind and relax his mental and emotional burdens. Upon his return from the holiday, the man's assistant went to the airport to welcome him back.
Man: "How's everything here?"
Assistant: "Well, nothing much, but your dog died."
Man: "How did he die?"
Assistant: "Well, because he ate burned horse meat."
Man: "Where did the meat come from?"
Assistant: Well..your ranch caught fire and burned down."
Man: "What? How did that happen?"
Assistant: "It was the sparks from your house that started the fire on the ranch."
Man: "What? A fire broke out in my house?"
Assistant: "Yes, the
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