The following is based off a true story. In my high school english class our english teacher Ms. Simoff had given us homework to do and if we didn't do it we wouldn't be allowed to watch a movie. The next day my friend Jason came in and told the teacher that he did not do his homework. The teacher sent him to another classroom to finish his work. When he asked why he was in trouble Ms. Simoff said, "Because you didn't do what I asked you to last night." The class proceeded to burst into laughter.

yo mamma is so fat it takes 1111111111111111111111111999999999thousand belts to fit her waist

One day, a kindergarten teacher, who was incidentally blonde, gave everybody a set of crayons and told them to draw something with it. The teacher noticed that Little Johnny had drawn a sun enclosed in a box with rays shining out of it. 'Johnny,' said the teacher with a confused look. 'Did your grandparents come from Japan?' 'No, Macedonia,' said the colour blind child.

- What does a blond say to a two headed monster ? - Hello ! Hello !

How can you tell if someone is a true blonde? They clean their hair with air conditioner.

Why did a blonde take an empty glass and a glass full of water to bed? She wasn't sure if she would get thirsty during the night.

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home toni