Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. He figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde, when suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him! Soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol. The blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment." Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "Okay." They get up from the bar s

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and POOF--the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and POOF -- the husband was 90.

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road. Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight. Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school. Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on. Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on. Men: balance their checkbooks. Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row. Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YO

If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?

One fine day in the middle of the night, Two dead men got up to fight, Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other, A paralyzed donkey passing by, Kicked a blind man in the eye, Knocked him through a nine-inch wall Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

What's an innunedo? An Italian hemorrhoid prepareation. What do you call a good looking girl on the campus of Clemson University? A visitor. Iraq, a good place to take a shiite. New rules for poker in Los Angeles -- four clubs beat a king. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. What's the difference between Gov't bonds and men? Gov't bond eventually mature. What did God say after he created man? "I can do better than this . . ." What's the best thing to come out of a peter? The wrinkles. What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can sleep with the light on. What's the difference between 'dark' and 'hard'? It stays dark all night. W

19 Ways To Annoy/Confuse Santa Claus ---------------------------------------------------------- 1.) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2.) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3.) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4.) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5.) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees

A blonde went to the eye doctor one day. She complained to the doctor that she couldn't see and was having a hard time driving because of this. He then told her that she would need glasses. The blond knowing that the glasses would cost a couple of hundred dollars decided to save her money because she remembered she had some at home. She then told the doctor that she had a pair. He said, "OK, wear them all the time." The blonde left and went home. She called the doctor and told him she couldn't see so he scheduled an appointment and told her to bring her glasses so he could see them. The next day the blond came in holding up two drinking glasses to her eyes and told the doctor "I had a hard t

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

What's the difference between a duck and a spider? A duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web!

Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this... Lacy things -- the wife is missin', Didn't ask -- her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear. In the store -- there's a teddy, Little straps -- like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear. In the office there's a guy named Melvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!" Later on, if you wanna, We can dress -- like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear