Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?" The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows

A mortician was examining Mr. Zeron's body before sending it to be cremated. He discovered the longest private part he had ever seen on Zeron. He felt it a pity to cremate him with it, so, apologising to the corpse, the mortician used his tools to remove the tremendously huge private part. The mortician stuffed the prize possesion into his briefcase and took it home to show his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said and opened his briefcase. Upon seeing it, his wife cried, "Oh my God! Zeron is dead!"

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe" = No "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry "We need" = I want "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now "Sure... go ahead"  = I don't want you to "I'm not upset"  = Of course I'm upset, you moron! "We need to talk"  = I need to complain "You're certainly attentive tonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about? "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs "This kitchen is so inconvenient"   = I want a new house "I want new curtains"  = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... "I heard a noise"  = I noticed you were almost asleep "Do you love me?"  = I'm going to ask for something expensive "How much do yo

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot be

There once was a priest, a bishop, and the Pope. They were all at the park and they saw a deep pond. The Pope told the bishop and the priest, "I bet I can walk on water". So he goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. Then the bishop tells the priest, "I bet I can walk on water". So the bishop goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. The priest is so surprised by all this he decides to give it a shot, so he goes to the pond and he steps on the water but he falls in and gets drenched. On the other side, the Pope is telling the bishop, "Do you think we should've told him about the stepping stones in the pond?"

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was. --Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women. --Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse. --Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants... --Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON. --Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers". --Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35. --I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!! --Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum. ...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For D

How to install a wireless security system: Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.

To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start? Socks first!