Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts!

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEA

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' ''No, I guess not,'' says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. "Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use? Don't know it's never happened.

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched o

Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips? Answer: A liar.

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole. 2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized? 3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in. 4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays? 5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, "Who's paying f

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"