Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, " Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to

A man had a very smart dog. He tried selling it for around $45, but everybody thought it was too expensive. The man couldn't lower the price because part of the deal was to buy it a new name tag, 5 lbs. of food, and a new toy. After long thought he decided to get rid of the dog. He drove 20 miles out of town and dropped the dog off. When he arrived home, the dog was on the porch. He was baffled by this, so he went out of town 80 miles the next day and dropped his dog off in the woods. He went home only to find his dog on the porch. Next day he was mad, so he drove 170 miles out of town taking the most complicated way possible and dropped his dog off. He started driving around trying to fin

Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.

1st man: My son was born on Saint David's day, so I called him David. 2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick's day, so I called him Patrick. 3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes.

1.Your tires cost more than your car. 2.You have a motor hanging out of your tree. 3.Your trailer house tires work but your car tires don't. 5.You write the girl of your dreams name on the tower and then the sheriff makes you take your sisters name off of it. 6.You call your undies britches. 7.The whole town is related to you. 8.You got more trailers than cars. 9.You kill your sisters boyfriends because they're trying to take her away from you. 10. Your haven't had "School learning" because you don't now how to count. (You missed that there was no number 4.) Credit to BLUE COLLAR TV

A blonde walks into a restaraunt and asks for fish and chips. When she sees the fries on her plate she says "I asked for chips, not fries!"

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow emplo

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the

-Overheard by a professor in the halls a few weeks after the semester starts- Male student to another male student- "Yeah, I signed up for a women's studies course. It wasn't what I expected it to be." "Really? Why is that?" "Well, it involves all this reading about ancient goddesses, and about female empowerment. I thought the class would be a little more...hands on."

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the t

Yo Mamma is so fat she never wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; she wakes up on EVERY side of the bed!

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 3. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 4. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. 5. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder. 6. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you. 7. You are not Tom Cruise. 8. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way. 9. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you. 10. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea. 11. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles. 12. Smart bombs have bad days too. 13. The best defense is to stay out of range. 14. If