Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. "Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!" "Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

Dick Cheney had a problem. He was been sued for 200 million dollars. He asks everybody in the West Wing for advice. However, only President Bush has any good advice: " Why don't you take them hunting?"

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! 2. Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone. 3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. 4. Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. 5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. A2: By doing the splits. 6. Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! 7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! 8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. 9. Q: Why do blondes

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind. The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep." So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!" And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

A drunk phones the police. He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!" The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back. He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hey, that's not funny! We're suing! Q: How many Japanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Who needs lightbulbs with our technology? Q: How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: We can't afford lightbulbs. The only thing I can afford is this old gym sock.

If Men Ruled the World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Eac

2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said, "I'll tee off, he is far enough away." She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the farway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned he was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. She ran to him, apologizing and saying, "Let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. "How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent.... 1. His shoe keeps ringing. 2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week. 3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter. 4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled. 5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again. 6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit. 7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack. 8. "Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh..." 9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens. 10. Favourite phrase is "Yeah, baby... yeah!"