What's the difference between a religious woman and a supposedly regular woman in a bathtub? One has HOPE in her soul.

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily "Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic "Thirty yards to the outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont) "The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns "How To Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich "Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber", says a Republican senator.

Yo mamma is soooo poor that her front and back door are on the same hinge!

You're like school on Saturday... NO CLASS!

What is the one thing you get at a wedding and cannot give back no matter how much you despise and hate it? IN-LAWS!

Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on the seventh dwarf? A: A diminished seventh!

What did one earthquake say to another? Oops! My fault!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, yo

"Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven." "I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?" "Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'."

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...

One day a blonde and her boyfriend went to a car store. He asks her what car she wants but she says, "I dunno." So he takes her around to all the car shops and she says, "I want the BMW." He asks her why she wants a BMW and she says, "Because I dunno how to spell the other brands!"