One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.

Q: What's a pick up line in a gay bar?? A: Would you like me to push your stool in?

There once was a man who died and went to heaven. There he saw a hot babe and a ladder. The babe said "you can have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." The man climbed the ladder. There he saw an even hotter babe who said the same thing. He climbed the ladder again. He saw yet another ladder and an even hotter babe, hotter than the previous ones. She said the same thing. So the man climbed the ladder one more time. This time he saw an extremely ugly man. The ugly man said "Hi, I'm Sess, suck me."

Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly? Husband: Darling, of course I do...

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world.

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. That's what he gets for snorting quack.

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed? - Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? - Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? - If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren'

A girl was calling her boyfriend because he wasn't online and she wanted him to be. "Hello?" he said, groggily. "I want you to get up and get your ass online." she said. "How?" "I don't know. Get a scanner if you need to. Just get your ass online!"

A man woke up on his birthday and went downstairs expecting his wife to say "Happy Birthday" and to give him a nice breakfast. He found that his wife wasn't home and that no breakfast was made. He got a little upset as he drove his kid to school. The whole trip to school was silent. The man got more upset that nobody had remembered his birthday. After he dropped his kid off, he went to work. At work he was greeted by a friendly female co-worker. She said "Happy Birthday" to him and it made him smile. He told her that nobody had remembered his birthday so she suggested that the two of them go out to eat together to brighten him up. They sat down and ate at a nice resturaunt and afterwards she

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