The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?" A few minutes later, Tony returned. "Well, is she all right?" asked the mother. "She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony. "At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?" Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid." "Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him." "But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has." "Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too." "Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck. A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

A few interesting public/police interactions: GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting too many. Then, he discovered the problem. A 10-year old boy was standing up the road from him with a hand-painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a younger accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of the $40. The police department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST: A young woman was pulled over for

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

~~You Know You're Having a Bad Day When... ~~ 1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. 2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. 3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 5.You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. 6.You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. 7.Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. 8. Your income tax refund check bounces. 9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. 10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. 11. Your bli

A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?" The women replied, "June." She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling. June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?" Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath. The doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub. She struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining her, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?"

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby th

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. They can't get the dead one out.