One fine day.... you're just walking by.... You look at this bird.... it shits in your eye.... You don't swear.... you don't cry.... You just thank God.... that cows don't fly....

Husband messages his wife on his cellphone: Hi, wat R U doing honey? Wife replies: I'm dying Husband is delighted and jumps with joy, but texts: OMG! How am I gonna live without u? Wife replies: u idiot. I'm dying my hair Husband: *@&!#*/ English

My wife and I were at an outdoor shopping mall, and I came across what I thought was a 'life-sized' chess board. So I began playing chess solo. Ten moves in, my wife comes by and says, "Honey, that's a crèche!"

Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!

A boy and his mom were playing the new game of life were you could put your house were you wanted it. The boy put it on the left side. On his next turn he moved it onto the right side. The mom asked why he did that and he said, "I wanted to live on the other side of life."

A gay pornstar doesn't take as many balls to the face as my 4 year old son playing soccer.

A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

A man is walking down the docks when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying in a corner. Trying to be a nice guy he walks up and asks her what's wrong. "I've never been hugged." replies the woman. The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks her up and hugs her. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again. "What's the matter now?" asks the man. "I've never been kissed," says the woman. The man leans down and kisses the woman on the lips for a brief moment. The woman smiles for a bit, then starts sobbing again. The man, a bit annoyed, asks her again what's wrong. The woman replies, "Because I don't have arms and legs I've never been screwed." The man picks up t

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.