Gene Pitney dies, and his widow is told that the coffin would take a week if it was made from Oak - but only 24 hours from Balsa!

A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard.

Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu 1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs. 2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone. 3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard. 4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing. 5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day. 6. You develop a liking for truffles. 7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean. 8. You emit short snorts between sentences. 9. When friends visit you, they remark, "Man, this place is a pigsty!" 10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon.

She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

As a senior at Xxxxxx State University in Mixxxxxxx, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women. "You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry . . ."

I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!

How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job.

Why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! DUH! Aw c'mon, how many times are you gonna fall for this?

Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.

Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join M.U.N.S.A. - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association. Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material. 1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers? a. STRETCH b. SKID c. HARPO d. TYRE 2. The number mi

One fine day.... you're just walking by.... You look at this bird.... it shits in your eye.... You don't swear.... you don't cry.... You just thank God.... that cows don't fly....