What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.

Knock knock. Who's there? Haf. Haf who. Haf you ever opened the door because I'm tired of waiting.

Float like a butterfly Sting like a bee I slept with yo momma Now it burns when I pee !

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert "Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'." --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get h

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 14 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!

One day, at lunch at an elementary school, the cafeteria was serving swiss cheese. A little girl received her meal and was disgusted by it. "Miss lunch lady," she said at the end of the line, "I don't like the holes in my cheese." "That's okay," she said. "Just eat around them and leave them on your plate."

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

An American, a Japanese and an Iraqi were walking together. The American put his hand near his mouth and started speaking; after he finished the Iraqi asked him what he was doing, and the American said, "We put microphones in our hands and speakers in our ears so that we can make phone calls without the need to carry a mobile phone." Then the Japanese started talking, and after he finished the Iraqi said to him, "You didn't put your hand near your mouth, how did you speak?" The Japanese said, "We put the microphones in our teeth so that we can speak hands-free." Then the Iraqi picked up a paper from the ground and swallowed it, and both the American and the Japanese asked him about what he

So there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they were running from the police but all they could find was a barn. They were in a hurry to hide so the brunette hid in the horse's stable, the redhead hid in a tree, and the blonde hid behind a few boxes of oranges. When the policemen came to the barn, they went to the horses stable and the policeman heard something. "Wait!" he said. "I hear breathing!" But the brunette went, "Neigh! Neigh!" "Oh, it's just a horse," the policeman said. Then he walked around and came upon a tree and heard breathing. "Stop!" he said. "I hear breathing in the tree!" "Caww! Caww!" went the redhead. "Oh,it's just a bird," said the policeman. Next, the pol

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."