Popular Jokes
A little girl was sat in science, when she wet herself.
She goes to her teacher and says "I've wet myself". The teacher asks "Why didn't you put your hand up?"
She replies "I did, but it just ran down my hand!"
My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!"
"That doesn't look like an eagle," I said.
"Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"
My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror.
Made millions - hasn't looked back since!
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
"Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"
A man walks into a restaurant, and asks the waiter:
Man: Waiter, how much is a cup of coffee?
Waiter: 50 cents, sir.
Man: How much are refills?
Waiter: They are free.
Man: That's nice, I'll have a refill, please.
Natalie had three very active young sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one of the boys "shot" her and shouted "Bang! You're dead, Mum," so Natalie fell down.
Her next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't give me away, it's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day".
A Blonde explains to another blonde friend:
"I failed the driving test. I entered the circle-way and the sign said "30" so I drove 30 times around."
And the other one says:
"You probably counted wrong."
Managed to remember some MORE Redneck lines while hearing a couple more.
You know you're a redneck when:
You lost your virginity at the age of 11.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
Your TV is a bag of manure on fire.
Your "family reunion" was at the NRA convention.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
You've shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Making a chocolate cake has
Two old pilot friends in the Air Force were talking about the day's activities:
Jenkins (first pilot): Did you hear? Captain Smith jumped out of a B-1 bomber, without a parachute, and he wasn't hurt!
Randy (Second Pilot): That's impossible! The fall would have killed him!
Jenkins (shakes his head): The bomber hadn't taken off yet.
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