The teacher told her students they would start their day with the Pledge of Allegiance, instructing them to place their right hand over their heart and repeat after her. As she began to recite the Pledge, she looked around the room and noticed that Little Johnny hand his hand over the right cheek of his behind. "Little Johnny," she said, "we will not continue until you place your hand over your heart." "It is over my heart," Little Johnny replied innocently. She attempted to get Little Johnny to place his hand over his heart several times, all to no avail. Finally, frustrated, she asked, "What makes you think that's your heart?" "Well, whenever Grandma comes to visit," Johnny explained,

A Blonde asks a woman, "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" The woman replies, "It's 11:25PM." The Blonde with a confused look on her face replies, "You know, it's the weirdest thing. I've asked that question thirty times today and every time someone gives me a different answer."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk. The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that. "You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says in an astonished tone. "Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating. "Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants." The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat. "Eww..." says the

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, "Do your Shih Tzu dogs breed well?" The owner says,"Sure they do." After a minute, the man says, with a grin, "What about your bull dogs?" "Yes they breed well, too." The man, happy with this, buys both. The owner asks, "Why do you need to know that anyway?" The man replies, "I'm going to go home and breed a bullshit!"

"Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?" Tom asked onerously.

What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!

A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess? The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"

A little girl was sat in science, when she wet herself. She goes to her teacher and says "I've wet myself". The teacher asks "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She replies "I did, but it just ran down my hand!"

My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!" "That doesn't look like an eagle," I said. "Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"

My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror. Made millions - hasn't looked back since!