While on the obstacle course in bootcamp, we had to lay on a rope and pull ourselves along. When I got to the other end and got my feet on the ground I asked my M/CPL if I could do that again. When he asked me why, I retorted with, "Well I have a groove down my left nut, I would like to put a groove down my right nut so they would match up again."

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finally, the blonde accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'not guilty' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. The blonde looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."

Guy: I'm having a problem with it. Girl: That's not surprising, it's very hard when you first learn. Guy: It's not working. I can't get it up. Girl: You just have to relax. It'll happen. You just have to work at it. Guy: Alright, I'm supposed to do what with my tongue again?? Girl: Your tongue is the key, you have to use it like a tool. You have to know where to put your tongue where it's needed. Feel for problem areas. Guy: pbpbpbpb. man. this sucks. Girl: Try again. just go slower. Guy: Its too hard! Girl: Soften it up. Guy: Show me again? Girl: *shows him* Guy: Alright, let me try now. Girl: Your first time is an experience you'll always remember. I know you can do it!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TEN

You might be a redneck if you answer to more than one nickname.

Yo momma is so stupid she got locked up in the bathroom and she peed in her pants!!

You know you're a redneck if your fence doubles as your clothesline

A blonde buys a thermos. Two days later, she's back in the shop and wants a refund. The sales person asks her why she's returning it. She replies, "Well, when I bought it, you said it would keep hot things hot and cold things cold, but yesterday I took some coffee and ice-cream to work for after lunch, and all that came out was a luke-warm slush!"

Only in America can a President have relations in the oral office

Q: What did the blonde say after seeing the banana on the ground? A: Oh, I'm gonna slip again!!

If a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?