Height of Patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree. Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls. Height of Innocence: A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples. Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest. Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall. Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw. Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper. Height of Technology: A condom with a zip. Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your @$$!

Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows

Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize. They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened. 2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face. Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced meto their 24 year old daught

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and continues in his direction. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets really close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks

In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, & so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin. Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.

Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, " Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, generally 35 children are enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: What'

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.