Why did the blond have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs!

Two cows were in a field grazing. First cow says, "MOO." Second cow says, "You asshole, I was gonna say that."

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch codnutced at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are tpyed,the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit oedrer. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the B***h that touches my Man.

Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!"

I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Ways To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

Your so ugly, when you were born the doctors shoved you back in.

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," exclaims the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS i

Do they put underwear on corpses? Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on? If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise? Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies? If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight? If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense? Is the vice president's wife called the second lady? Do you wake up or open your eyes first? Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time? If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing? Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?