I heard you got a baby. Dad: Yes, and I am very happy. So what about the wife? Dad: She still doesn't know.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are quite excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "Many kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacies: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: Hesitates slightly but answers, "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmaci

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, r

Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home.

The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, can't you ke

Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

One mistake my mom made when I was three: she taught me how to read the word napkin. The second mistake she made: I asked her why "napkins" were under the sink. She said they were for "special occasions" The third mistake she made: My mom asked me to set the table for the special occasion tonight. So I went to the bathroom and got the "napkins" for special ocassions, and set them on the table. When I got done, my dad came in and burst out in laughter, along with my uncle and aunt as they walked in. When my mom came in, her face turned bright red.

yo momma so fat she has her own area code.

You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When... 1.) You haven't slept since the Clinton Administration. 2.) Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth. 3.) Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on Vivarin. 4.) You plan to name your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso." 5.) On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car. 6.) You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee to decaffeinated Folgers. 7.) You wake up in the middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!" 8.) When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen. 9.) You drink so much coffee it star

Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down. That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" the curious wife asks. "To the kitchen." "Okay. Can you get me something while you're in there?" "Sure. What?" "I'd like some ice cream please." The man starts to walk into the kitchen. The wife asks, "Shouldn't you write it down?" "Nah. I don't need to. You want ice cream. I can remember that." "Wait. I just remember

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow -- tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my *90th* birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.