I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine

What do you say to Mexican with a high salary? Can I have ketchup on those fries?

If a man is in a forest, talking to himself, with no women around, is he still wrong? If a woman is in a forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining? -------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is "I am"? Did you know that the longest sentence is "I do"? -------------------------------------------------------- Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it, chances are that you won't either.

Wat is die toppunt van geraas? 2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!

Famous last words: "Ok, I'm only going to have one..." -- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.

Yo momma is so old, she was stood up by King Tut, before he became a mummy.

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages... 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. 9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer t

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.

Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said,"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."