Popular Jokes
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waite
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said, in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I he
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Gay marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority
One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, "Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay."
A man loading his car with groceries next to me said, "You know, usually, I just put it in park!"
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old"? Well, here is some karma for that. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was WAY too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine." he gleame
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur?
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store:
"I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again."
And a different one:
"I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!"
You Know You're Addicted to Video Games When...
1.) Your wife tells you that you are, and your two kids; Mario, and Sonic; agree with her.
2.) Whenever something bad happens, you reach for the pause button.
3.) You can microwave and eat a pizza using only your feet.
4.) You've spent so much time playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 -- you actually taught youself how to skateboard.
5.) You've worn out the buttons in the elevator of your apartment.
6.) The only joystick you play with anymore is plugged in to your Xbox.
7.) You've decided you won't go outside anymore due to the 'tacky graphics, poor sound and low playability.'
8.) You've moved your PS2 into the bathroom -- just in case you
You Know You're From New York City When...
1.) You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.) Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5.) The subway makes sense.
6.) You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
7.) You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
8.) The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9.) Y
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