Things You Learn from Video Games There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force. If it moves, DESTROY IT! Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. One lone "good guy" can defeat an infinite number of "badguys." Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground. You can break things and get away with it. You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it. If someone dies, they disappear. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. You can operate all weapons without training. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again. Death is reversible (only for you!) Ninjas

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.

Jerry Jones applied to a debt-collecting agency for a job, even though he had no experience. He was very intense, so the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected, he'd get the job. Two hours later, Jerry returned – with the full amount! "Amazing!" said the manager. "How on earth did you manage that?" "Easy," replied Jerry, "I told him that if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he'd paid us."

Gummer: Is defined as receiving oral sex from a woman who has no teeth.

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, "Can you help me point my penis?" The man reluctantly accepted but decided not to look at the man's penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, "Hey! I'm grabbing it right? So I should look, I have a right" He looks down at the man's member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled, he jumps back and lets go, asking, "What the hell is wrong with it?" The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but I ain't touchin' it," and walks away.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a

Super Agility: "Oh look, a bullet. Better dodge that!" *mega-jump!* Bulletproof: "Oh look, a bullet. Meh, who cares?" Super Smart: "Eureka! A Bullet! It going 60 MPH will hit me in 5 seconds if it contacts, but there is only a 1 in 7 chance it will hit me, the decimal being 0.1428571429 to the tenth pl-OOOFF!" Which do YOU want? Me: Super Agility. Comment for your choice, but it doesn't have to be one of these.

When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows in your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. 13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, and getting in and out past incredible security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!

Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops!

Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.