A blonde's house is on fire so she runs outside to use a payphone to call for help. She gets the 911 operator, and gets transferred to the firehouse. "Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire, you have to help me!" The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes, Miss, how do I get to your house?" The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire." Realizing he is now talking to a blonde, the fireman comes back with, "No, Miss, how would you like me to get to your house?" to which the blonde replies, "Duh, big red truck!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick.

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clo

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." - Douglas Adams. "I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen. "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." - Carl Zwanzig. "Computer programming is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce

Three women a brunette, a woman with jet black hair, and a blonde were pregnant and at the doctors' office to find out the sex of their babies. The nurse called for the brunette and she went into the office. She came out very happy and said, "My husband and I had sex standing up and I'm having a girl!" The women with jet black hair was called and went into the office. She came out very happily and said, "My husband and I had sex lying down, and I'm having a boy!" Next the blonde was called and went into the office. She soon ran back out crying. The other two women asked her what was wrong. The blond sobbed, "I'm having puppies!"

Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma. I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER [your name]. I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick aunt. I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down. I'd love to, but I need to eat some food for thought. I'd love to, but I've already used up eight of my nine lives. I'd love to, but the jury is still out. I'd love to, but I'm going to catalog my cutlery collection. I'd love to, but my cat has a yeast infection. I'd love to, but it's against my religion. I'd love to, but the voices say that if I go to work/school, then I will have to sacrifice an animal/smal

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I d