A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time." I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this: You are a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay. You are not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ass.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Gucci sweats and Reeboks. And where was the location of the accident? Approximately milepost 498. And where is milepost 498? Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Did you blow your horn or anything? After the accident? Before the accident. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Yes. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car? Yes, sir. What did she say? What disco am I at?

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

#1: When her teacher said to write an essay, she brought in a sheet of paper saying "An Essay." #2: When she caught on fire nearby a lake, she called the fire department. #3: She drank a bottle of root beer and said, "This doesn't taste like beer, or roots." #4: She gave 200 dollars to a cashier for a small bag of chips and said, "Keep the change." #5: When she heard that 1 of the 3-porta potties, each next to each other, was out of order, she walked 10 miles to the ocean. #6: When she saw an old person she said, "At least I'm young." #7: When she was suing someone, she thought that she was killing herself because she was on the counter sues side. #8: When she realized someone in weap

What do you get when two blonds fight? A Stupid Fight.

A redhead, brunette and a blonde went to the doctor. As they sat in the waiting room, the redhead got bored and went to the small fishbowl in the middle of the room where a goldfish swam around happily. The redhead stared at the goldfish and the fish also stared back. After 1 minute, the redhead tilted her head to the left and the fish swam in that direction. She tilted her head to the right and the fish also swam to the right. The brunette saw this trick, was impressed and asked the redhead how she did it. "Easy", replied the redhead. "It's just mind over matter." So the brunette stared at the fish and the fish also stared back. After 3 minutes, the brunette tilted her head to the left

Yo Momma is so smelly that when she entered a pig sty, all the pigs had to evacuate...

Who was the most complaining woman in the bible? Mary, because she got on Joseph's ass and rode it all the way to Bethlehem.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am the proud father of an 8 pound 7 ounce baby boy. Boy, is my wife gonna be mad when she finds out!