The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as you

Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up." The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness. Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Well, this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. What do you mean, he's not insured? Let's hurry; I don't want to miss "Baywatch." That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates (470 - 399 BC)

Man A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back. Woman Creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does. People Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. Optimist Girl who regards a bulge as a curve. Pessimist Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman said - "I walked into my daughter's room and saw a razor on the floor. I didn't know she was old enough to shave." The Irishman said - "That's nothing; I walked into my daughter's room and saw a tampax. I didn't know she was old enough to start her periods." The Scottsman said - "Well, I walked into her room and saw a condom lying on the floor - I didn't know she had grown a cock!"

A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen. "Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon." Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again. "Ma'am, the cat is dead!" The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped. Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still

BLONDE #1: I found some jokes about us blondes online. They're inaccurate! They make us look- BLONDE #2:Ugly? BLONDE #3:Fat? BLONDE #4:Lazy? BLONDE #5:Mean? BLONDE #1:No, stupidly funny.

A man is just about to break a record. Suddenly, a dog jump up and bites him on the neck. Q: Is the dog owned by the former record keeper? A: Yes. Q: Did the former record keeper intend this to stop other people from breaking his record? A: Yes. The murderer doesn't want other people to break his record. Therefore, he has trained his dog, so that when the dog hears someone speaking the last digits of pi that the murderer can recite, it will bite him to death.

In the school the biology teacher asks the class a question. "Where is an elephant's sex organ?" Little Johnny, "In his feet ma'am." Teacher, "How come?" "If he steps on you, you're fucked."

Try this on a friend: Every time you say something, tell the other to say the same thing and add "bait" at the end. Example: fish --> fish bait fish (fish bait) dolphin (dolphin bait) seal (seal bait) I master (I masturbate!)

One day little Billy went screaming to his mom, "Mommy! Mommy! Theres a shrimp stuck between grandma's legs!" His mother, intruiged by this, brought Billy to grandma, who was sleeping on the bed with her legs apart. The mother looked and laughed and said, "Why, that's not a shrimp! That's her privates, a vagina!" Billy smiled and said, "Really? It sure tastes like shrimp..."