Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Josh was never the most gifted child, but for this he couldn't really be blamed. His mother, Maria, was no better than him. However, the singular talent that he possessed was an odd one: He could memorize everything he ate. His mother didn't see this as satisfactory, but she decided to put his talent to good use; how you ask? Simply by writing, "Brilliant! Be brilliant!" on his lunch bag!

Two Arab fathers are showing each other their family photos. One shows the other a picture and says "This is my oldest, he is a martyr. This is my second oldest, he is also a martyr." The other Arab father just sighs and says "Ahh, they blow up so quickly these days!"

There was this blonde who had taken up golf for a long time. When she was ready to play, the 1st round she came back in 20 minutes and told the pro she was stung by a bee. He asked where. She said, "Between the first hole and the second hole." He said, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

Yo momma is so hairy that I thought she had herself in a headlock!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear. St. Peter looked

Are part-time band leaders semiconductors? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? Does killing time damage eternity? Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Do pilots in a hurry take crash-courses? How do you get off a nonstop flight?

A man died and went to heaven, he went to the golden gates, and saw God. He didn't know who God was, so he took one look and said, "My god, Who the hell are you?"

The musician Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British radio show, and the liberal presenter was giving him a hard time about being a deer hunter. "What do you think is going through that deer's head when you kill it?" she asks. "Don't you think it is wondering what it ever did to harm you, and why you are being so cruel?" "No," replied Nugent, "I don't think their thoughts are that complex. A deer only wonders when it will eat next, when it will have sex next, and if it is fast enough to run away from whoever would harm it. In that way, they really aren't much different from the French."

Yo momma's so old, she doesn't need a history book.

You are a big animal that is big.

A little girl went into the barber shop to get a haircut. When the barber was cutting her hair he realized she was eating a little debbie snack. He said, "Sweetie, you're going to get hair on your twinkie." The little girl answered, "I know, and I'm going to get boobs, too."