The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know, you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"

Yo Momma is so fat she uses a rocket ship as a dildo.

Yo momma is so stupid she got locked up in the bathroom and she peed in her pants!!

You might be a redneck if you've ever been fired for shooting spitballs.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion. Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards. Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten. Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill. The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy! For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse

1) Your life's ambition involved 2 things. "get high" and "earn just enough money to get high" 2) You're nervous around the police even if you have nothing on you because "you just know they know," -or- You WANT them to search you because you don't have anything just so you can laugh at them. 3) You set aside actual lump sums of money to buy weed and treat it like your 'utility bill.' 4) You were never out of weed until your friends were out of weed. 5) Every time you happened to catch the clock at a glance and see '4:20', you automatically think of weed. (Whether you still smoke or have quit before) 7) You would drive over 100 miles if you knew a guy who was selling weed 20 bucks che

Why does a cock always close his eyes when he's crowing? Because he already knows the text!!

Kevin attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Kevin asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Looking worried, Kevin said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"

Did you hear about the blonde who ran for president? She got tired after 2 miles and dropped out of the running.

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled