1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? call 1-800-***-****. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A blonde's boyfriend, planning to stop at the bakery says, "I'm going to go pick up a blondie. I want a smoking hot fresh one." The blonde replies, "Well, then we're over. Go ahead and get a new girlfriend. A nice blondie!"

Route 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight? Country road says: Heck no, I'm a byway!

INTEROFFICE MEMO Subject: Special High Intensity Training In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (

Would you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

How can you tell if someone is a true blonde? They clean their hair with air conditioner.

Yo momma so old she met a T Rex in pre-school.

A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."

Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime!

Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again. Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car. Wife says: How do I look? Man: Terrible, go change!

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.