What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll only promise change.

A blonde woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know

This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type, "french military victories". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy!

Arizona • A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. • Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West). • Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. • Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. • Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association." • Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse. • Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. • Hunting camels is prohibited. • In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, "Can you help me point my penis?" The man reluctantly accepted but decided not to look at the man's penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, "Hey! I'm grabbing it right? So I should look, I have a right" He looks down at the man's member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled, he jumps back and lets go, asking, "What the hell is wrong with it?" The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but I ain't touchin' it," and walks away.

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth? Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves. Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line? Student: Yes, Sir. Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes? Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Bill Gates "Notes to self" * Next time my wife says to buy china, she means dishes. * When my son asks for a golf club for his birthday, he means a putter, not a golf course. * When my wife asks for diamonds, she wants ones that will fit on a necklace. * Don't forget to tip the valet who pushes around your cart at the grocery store. * If someone offers you a drink, don't ask when we're eating dinner. * When my daughter asks for an iPod, don't try to buy her the whole company.

...if you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

Knock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't.

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader. Strike while the... bug is close. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of... termites. You can lead a horse to water but... how? Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. No news is... impossible. A miss is as good as a... Mr. You can't teach an old dog... math. If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning. Love all, trust... me. The pen is mightier than... the pigs. An idle mind is... the b