Popular Jokes
A very old man and a woman are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man starts crying quietly. Touched by the mans sensitive side, she goes over to him, hugs him, and asks him whats the matter.
The man says, "Remember when we were 15 and your daddy who was a sheriff caught us? And remember he said I either had to marry you for what we did or I spend 50 years in jail?"
The woman nods.
The man says, "Well today I could have been a free man."
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"
"Who listens?"
The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."
Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbel
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
A mom was out walking with her 4 year old daughter. the child picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, the child looked at her mom with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," the mom was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."
"Oh."
They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the child was evidently pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the dad
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