A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows. When filling out the job application form, under the heading 'Sex', instead of writing male or female, write in, "Not nearly enough, but I'm trying!" In the same form under the heading 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?' answer, "Not yet." Show up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, "My mom forgot to wake me again." This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older. When meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: "You look familiar. I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere.

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the Doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest!" "What for?" the mad scientist asked. And the policeman answered: For making an obscene clone fall.

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A . Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan! But don't worry; the remaining d

Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse. His son asks him, "Dad, which film is this?" to which he replied, "Son, this isn't a film, this is a series."

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The bears' exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The zookeeper always wants to take the rhino for a walk. 5. The lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the tour guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the tigers' den. 9. The elephant appear

A guy walks into a strip club and sees a really pretty girl right in front of him. He goes up to her and asks, "Hey, Honey, want to come home with me?" She says yes. They go back to his house that night and they have sex. Throughout this whole time he hasn't been able to see her properly. When she rolls into the moonlight, he caught a glimpse of her. "What, the...! What are you doing here?" He had just realised that he was in bed wth his mother-in-law!

I was looking at this parked, motorized wheelchair once, and I noticed that it had a dial on it to control it's speed. At one end there was a turtle, and at the other end there was a rabbit. I just assumed at first that the turtle was representing the slower speed, and that the rabbit was for the faster speed, but then I remembered who won when those two animals raced. I think that it would be cool if cars used this same system too. You know, you get pulled over by a police officer and he says to you "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you were speeding? We had you clocked on our radar at going 'Rabbit' and I'm sure that you know the posted speed limit here is only 'Raccoon'. Now

You might be a Republican if... 1. You have a brain 2. You have morales 3. Your bumper sticker say's "Somewhere in Massachusetts a village is missing it's idiot" 4. You totaly agree with everything Foxworthy say's 5. You bought a shotgun and THEN voted against gun control You might become a republican if... 1. You found a brain 2. You stole someones morales 3. You bought a truck with that bumper sticker and was to lazy to take it off. 4. You're dating a Republicans daughter 5. Actually it was the guy's shotgun that changed you. You might be a democrat if... 1. You have no brain 2. You have no morales 3. Your bumper sticker say's "eye is ejumucated, u shid bee two" 4. You don't know who Hit

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! You must have a low op