A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is asked to make a statement. "Okay, Phillips," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Fred Wilson was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir." "Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat". - Steven Wright.

Major Scandal during their presidency.... Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed The President's biggest fear.... Nixon: The Cold War Clinton: The Cold Sore Complaints toward the President..... Nixon: Carpet-Bombing Clinton: Carpet-Burns Their Vice-Presidents... Nixon: His was Greek Clinton: His is a Geek. Presidential qualities..... Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger. Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her. Things the President couldn't explain.... Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase Job titles.... Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Slogans.... Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Known for women pointi

A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, ask

Sam Krypton was a boy who hated meatloaf, but he knew that every time he didn't eat it, he lost a chance for ice cream, his favorite thing to eat. So today, he decided to eat it, and try and forget about the taste. He ate it up, and said, "THIS MEATLOAF WAS DELICIOUS!" His mother was pleased, and gave him ice cream. The next week, his mother gave him a large serving of meatloaf, expecting him to eat it all up. Sam forgot about what he did last week. He was looking out the window - then, a moment later, he said, "Eww! What smells?"

A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess? The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"

My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!" "That doesn't look like an eagle," I said. "Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"

...you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

I have a new baby cousin named Caroline. She has a big brother named Sam (he just turned 2) and 2 big sisters named Elena and Erica. Well, my aunt was away with her three daughters. It was just my uncle and Sam at home. My uncle and Sam were playing on the floor. My uncle had to fart, but he tried to let it out quietly, but it came out a little louder than he had expected. Then Sam perks up and says "Baby Caroline?"

Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today. Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have? Customer: A clean menu!

Velcro - what a rip-off!

Can you decipher this phrase? EHCA Backache!