My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll hav

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." All the plants in my house are dead -

What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.

Yo mama so fat when jumps up in the air she gets stuck.

What's the difference between a religious woman and a supposedly regular woman in a bathtub? One has HOPE in her soul.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

(This joke was copied from the "Fresh Price of Bel Air" show and are not my original jokes). 40 is the begining.... the begining of the end. 40 is the begining of life. Did I say life?... i meant gum disease!

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small. ---------------------------------------------------------- Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me." Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you?" ---------------------------------------------------------- When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. ---------------------------------------------------------- A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?" ----

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

What is the similarity between girls and tea? They are both hot and with milk. What is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bathroom? The girl in church has a soul full with hope and the girl in the bathroom has a hole full with soap. What is the difference between the sky and the skirt? The sky covers the whole universe and the skirt covers the universal hole.