Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better.

Thanks for having me. I was excited to come back to Calvin, and I was just telling Laura the other night about what fun it would be to come to Calvin College. I said, you know, Laura, I love being around so many young folks. You know, it gives me a chance to relive my glory days in academia. (Laughter.) She said, George, that's not exactly how I would describe your college experience. (Laughter.) She also said one other thing I think the graduates will appreciate hearing, a good piece of advice. She said, the folks here are here to get their diploma, not to hear from an old guy go on too long. (Laughter.) So with that sage advice, here goes. I bring a great message of hope and freedom to Ca

Just after Creation the Lord noticed that the original male-female pair of snakes were not reproducing. He summoned them and said, "I thought I told everyone to go forth and multiply?" The snakes replied, "Yes Lord, but we cannot." The Lord was annoyed and thundered, "and why not?" to which the snakes answered, "You see, Lord, you made us Adders." We could have stopped here (small groan), but actually the Lord got real sore and threatened, "I don't give a shit, just go forth and multiply!" A week later when the Lord visited, Lo! - was he pleased. Adders here, adders there, adders everywhere. He called for the original pair. "Congratulations," he said, and then not without some bafflement i

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night." "How about transportation? " the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're l

Ryan: Hey Philip, what's that on your leg? Philip: A shoe! Ryan: Gesundheit! Philip: No, you idiot, a shoe! Ryan: No need to thank me, gesundheit!

Can you decipher this phrase? E N U T Tune up!

A man goes into a pet store, plants a bomb, and as he leaves, calls out, "You have one minute to get out!" At that, a tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "You BASTARD!"

Jacky walked into his house from school crying; his mom saw him and said, "What's wrong, Jacky?" Jacky replied, "I lost a quarter at school!" "There, there," replied his mother, "here's another," handing him a quarter. Jacky cries even louder; this time his mother, upset, says, "What's the matter now?" Jacky says, "I wish I said I lost a dollar!"

The teacher said to the cooking class. "Tell me: what is the most important thing to put in a chocolate cake?" Faith quickly replied, "Your teeth!" The teacher said, "No, the ingredients." After correcting Faith, the cooking teacher said, "Who can tell me the best way to keep yogurt from spoiling?" Faith answered, "By eating it!."

A male teenager went out to his favorite band concert "The Hearts of Heaven". They have very cool songs but their singer's life would end the very next night. The next night, they made their next concert which is in the capital of the teenager's country. It wasn't very far. He went to the concert and enjoyed the songs, but one made him a bit twitchy. It was called "Take my heart out". The song made the teenager go to the singer's house, and take his heart out. All the other band members tried to stop him but he also got their hearts. He put them in a small box. Later the police found out that one of the windows of the house was stained with blood. They went in and took a look. He saw that

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which looks black."

A foot. (leg-end)