Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school? Joey: 97. Teacher: 97? Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.

A zebra had died and when he got to Heaven he asked the guard, out of curiosity, if he was white with black strips or black with white strips. The guard said that he would see God roaming around Heaven and the zebra could ask Him. A couple weeks later he finally sees God and asks, "Out of curiosity, am I white with black stripes or black with white strips." God answered, "You are what your are." The zebra was puzzled, but went along anyway. A few days later the zebra sees the guard again. The guard said, "So did you see God? What did he say?" The zebra replied, "Well, he said 'You are what are what your are.'" The guard goes, "Oh, then it means that you are white with black stripes.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.

CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

You Know You're From New York City When... 1.) You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. 2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4.) Hookers and the homeless are invisible. 5.) The subway makes sense. 6.) You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 7.) You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple". 8.) The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. 9.) Y

FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong? HARRY: I got domestic trouble. FRIEND: But Harry you always said your wife was a pearl. HARRY: Yeah its the mother of pearl that's the problem.

The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her."No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later." She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste. "Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded. "Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!" "Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives." "Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "Who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, bu

Yo Momma's So Fat... When she crosses the border, they think she's tryin to smuggle the whole country. When she was at the zoo the elephants were scared she might step on them. She's what caused Mexico City to sink into the ground. She sunk Atlantis. She once found a whale hidden in her belly button. When a plane has to make an emergancy landing they use her as a runway.

The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." "My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Yo momma's so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck!