As part of his plan to let the Yanks know that he is not only still alive but ready to kick ass, Saddam sent a letter to George W Bush. The letter was immediately recognised as from the former dictator of Iraq and was detoxified and checked for explosives before being opened. In it was a single sheet of paper with the characters:- 370HSSV 0773H The president couldn't work out what this meant, so he had an aide type a copy and sent it to that very smart man, Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary of Defence and his aides studied it for a week, using the most powerful code cracking computers the NSA could come up with, and were still stumped .They sent it to Langley, where the CIA similarly had no luc

Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.

'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, But I Just Couldn't Sleep I Tried Counting Backwards, I Tried Counting Sheep. The Leftovers Beckoned - The Dark Meat And White But I Fought The Temptation With All Of My Might Tossing And Turning With Anticipation The Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation. So, I Raced To The Kitchen, Flung Open The Door And Gazed At The Fridge, Full Of Goodies Galore. I Gobbled Up Turkey And Buttered Potatoes, Pickles And Carrots, Beans And Tomatoes. I Felt Myself Swelling ! So Plump And So Round, 'til All Of A Sudden, I Rose Off The Ground. I Crashed Through The Ceiling, Floating Into The Sky With A Mouthful Of Pudding And A Handful Of Pie. But, I Manage

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said, in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I he

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did you do?" asked her waiting friend.

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

There was once a very depressed man that went to see the psychiatrist. He was advised to go on a holiday to unwind and relax his mental and emotional burdens. Upon his return from the holiday, the man's assistant went to the airport to welcome him back. Man: "How's everything here?" Assistant: "Well, nothing much, but your dog died." Man: "How did he die?" Assistant: "Well, because he ate burned horse meat." Man: "Where did the meat come from?" Assistant: Well..your ranch caught fire and burned down." Man: "What? How did that happen?" Assistant: "It was the sparks from your house that started the fire on the ranch." Man: "What? A fire broke out in my house?" Assistant: "Yes, the

Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed, that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do, and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman. Einstein says, "This is no problem at all, and there is no need to make such a great fuss." So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter, and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And h

Yo mamma is so fat, she jumped up and got stuck in the sky.

Child: Mommy, why am I so skinny? Mommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds. Child: Really? Did he live?

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has stolen your bike? A: She's running away with it under her arm.

Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school? Joey: 97. Teacher: 97? Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.