Popular Jokes
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "You look like Albert Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people will go to in order to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk, please?"
St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk instantly appear. Einstein describes, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is very impressed.
"You really are Albert Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
When Pablo Picasso arrives, once again St. Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso says, "May I use that blackboard and chalk?"
St. Peter says, "Go ahead."
A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead.
She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate.
When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"
Ma
Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering.
- If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.
- If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting.
- If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche.
- If the room has a sweaty
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen were waiting.
"Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsches?" he asks.
The Englishmen just stare at him.
"M'excusez-vous, parlez-vous français ?"
They continue to stare.
"Lo scusate, parlate italiano?"
No response.
"¿Me excusa, usted habla español?"
Still nothing. The Swiss man drives off in disgust.
One Englishman says to the other, "Y'know, maybe we ought to learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That feller knew 4 languages, and it didn't do him any good!"
1. And now, the taste test.
2. Are we supposed to heat that?
3. And now a little bit from this...
4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
7. In which glass was my mineral water?
8. The bunsen burner *is* out!
9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...
11. Oh, now I have spilt something...
12. First the acid, then the water...
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. Oh no, wrong beaker...
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
First click the Community button.
Then click the Public Fourum button.
The first forum is for writing jokes.
Discuss how to write funny jokes here.
This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old,you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow then asks his grandfather,
"Well, how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied,"Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedr
A man was staying over at a farmer's house for the night.
However, the farmer warned: "My daughter is sleeping in the room next door. I'm going to put a wall of eggs around her bed to make sure that you don't go near her, understand?"
The man nodded weakly, for she saw the daughter and noticed she was very beautiful.
That night, the man crept into the daughter's room, and sure enough, there was a wall of eggs surrounding her bed. Alas, the daughter's beauty was too much for the man, and he pushed through the wall of eggs and made love to her.
Once they were finished, the man took out a mop and cleaned the mess up. He then used super glue to glue the eggs back together and restack them. He
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