1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!"

In order to be a guy, a guy must follow the following rules at all times without question: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a

I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' ''No, I guess not,'' says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter." The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary. "How old are you?" George asked. "I'm

There was a boy and a teacher walking down the street one day. The teacher bought the boy some gum and after chewing it for a while it fell out of his mouth. He went to pick it up and the teacher said, "Never pick up things from the floor." Then, the teacher bought him an ice cream. It fell on the floor and he went to pick it up. Again, the teacher said to him, "Never pick up things from the floor." Next, the teacher bought the boy a lollypop. It fell to the floor and once again he went to pick it up. The teacher told him, "Never pick up things from the floor." After walking down the street some more there was a ditch ahead, but neither the boy nor the teacher noticed it. As t

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem. Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. Thou shall not sit in front of the television or computer monitor as thou are not transparent. Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy behind. Thou shall not lie down with thy behind in thy human's face. Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors. Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself. Thou shall not jump onto the toilet se

A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you." "No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. "Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?" "No way! Now leave me alone!" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you say to that?"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."