Popular Jokes
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded, . . .
"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, b
1st man: My son was born on Saint David's day, so I called him David.
2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick's day, so I called him Patrick.
3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes.
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
You might be a redneck if..... you went weeks without food or shelter just so you could have front row seats to a Brooks-n'-Dunn concert.
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
3. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
4. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
5. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
6. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
7. You are not Tom Cruise.
8. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
9. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
10. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
11. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
12. Smart bombs have bad days too.
13. The best defense is to stay out of range.
14. If
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.
To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start?
Socks first!
Bill Gates "Notes to self"
* Next time my wife says to buy china, she means dishes.
* When my son asks for a golf club for his birthday, he means a putter, not a golf course.
* When my wife asks for diamonds, she wants ones that will fit on a necklace.
* Don't forget to tip the valet who pushes around your cart at the grocery store.
* If someone offers you a drink, don't ask when we're eating dinner.
* When my daughter asks for an iPod, don't try to buy her the whole company.
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
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