* "On the advice of our solicitors, this T-shirt bears no message at this time". * "That's it! I'm calling me granny" (seen on a seven-year-old) * "Rehab is for quitters" * "My dog can lick anyone" * "Party - my cot - 2 a.m." (on a baby-size T-shirt) * "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS FECKIN' CAR!" * "They call it 'PMT' cos 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken" * "A picture is worth a thousand words - but it uses up a thousand times the memory." * "HAM AND EGGS - a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig." * "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." * "The trouble with life is there's no background music." * "The original point and click

Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."

Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row! "I just got 3 strikes in a row!" said Lisa. Marie said, "You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!"

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do - and he didn't seem overly concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey... "Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he

Boy: "Miss, may I kiss you?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Could you let me embrace your waist with my arms?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Well, then, may I touch your hands?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Why do you keep saying 'No' all the time?" Girl: "Mom said, when date with a boyfriend for the first time, remember to say No to everything." Boy: "Oh, really? Your mom is so..., OK. Miss, do you mind I touch your hands?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Miss, do you mind if I embrace your waist with my arms? " Girl: "No." Boy: "Miss, do you mind I kiss you?" Girl: "Er... No."

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "Who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, bu

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this... Lacy things -- the wife is missin', Didn't ask -- her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear. In the store -- there's a teddy, Little straps -- like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear. In the office there's a guy named Melvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!" Later on, if you wanna, We can dress -- like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

What did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.

The mood of a woman An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. The moods of a man! Hungry! Horny! Sleepy!

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''