Popular Jokes
The angry preacher...
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. H
for all of you with any money left .........
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2004:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major comp
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired gene
Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over one thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.
Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for one when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
#1 - You
If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk?
Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know?
Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask "Do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"...
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth?
May I refuse to inherit the earth?
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
An undertaker had a busy day at work, and in front of him, was 3 new bodies that had been sent from the hospital.
The first one his mouth opened wide. He then moved on to see the next body. It too had opened his mouth widely.
Surprised, he went over to the last body. This body was charred and had a huge smile on his face.
Feeling puzzled, he turned to ask the hospital personnel:" What actually happened to these people?
"Well.." replied the personnel, "The first man died from laughing too much at a joke."
"The second man died while telling a very funny joke."
"The last man..well, he died while taking a picture. At least that was what he thought he was doing. He thought that the ligh
What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
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