A man walks into a modern art museum, he sees a piece of art, and says, "Look how ugly that is, the nose is all out of shape, and look at those arms, so small and weak, I bet the person who created this is a wimp!" A security guard nearby says, "Sir, that's a mirror."

One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN!

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!"

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thank

The "bishop" came to our church today The was a fucken impostor He never once moved diagonally

JOHNNY : Hey billy, you like Fishsticks? BILLY : Yeah... JOHNNY : So, you put Fishsticks in your mouth? BILLY : Yeah why? JOHNNY : What are you Billy, a gay fish?

A man was kneeling by his bed, praying. His wife walks in and asks "Whatcha doin'?" The man - once finishing - says "Praying." "Whatcha prayin for?" says the lady. "Guidance." "Don't pray for guidance, pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!"

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

An old Jewish man riding on a train begins to moan: "Oy, am I thirsty; oy, am I thirsty", to the annoyance of the other passengers. Finally, another passenger gets a cup of water from the drinking fountain and gives it to the old man, who thanks him profusely and gulps it down. Feeling satisfied, the other passenger sits down again, only to hear "Oy, was I thirsty; oy, was I thirsty".

You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.

Battery Fucked Boodler's ass hard and soft yesterday! Maybe zat explains z growth in z population recently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.